I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry: The New Runaway Movie

...I got tucked up in traffic yesterday so I had to 86 the screener for Shane Meadows' This Is England (I got cleared for another showing on Tuesday, though) -- to be honest, after a long day of archiving films, I wasn't really in the mood to absorb any Romper Stomper type shite anyway...still, I wanted to check something new this weekend and since all other screeners were booked up, I shot on over to one of the cineplexes near my crib for a little matinee action today...and caught a showing of Adam Sandler's new joint I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry...you might wanna play this Hole cut whilst reading...

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...in this new film, the camera follows the antics of Chuck Levine (Sandler) and his NYFD fire-fighting homebiscuit Larry Valentine (Kevin James) who, after surviving a near fatal inferno, gins up a plan to make sure that Valentine's children will get taken care of, should the widower ever get fried in a fire: go to Canada, get married and come back to NYC and wait for the benefits to kick in before they part ways on the matrimonial front after the kids' futures are safely insured , the onliest catch, revealed to them on the whisper by their lawyer (a smokin' hot Jessica Biel who made the "Grepsi" -- I'll explain later-- really kick in for a few seconds while jigglin' around in some striped underwear) that if they're caught telling porky pies, then they'd be thrown under the jail for cutting legal corners ...I would normally type something like 'laughs are right around the fire escape', etc. but I'd be getting ahead of myself if I did so here...



















...Huh? What's that kid? Fuck me, four bucks for a Hebrew Nation hot dog? Keep it, son-- I'll just sip on this little bottle of Grepsi (Grape soda and Absolut) that I snuck inside...allow me to just cut to the chase and say that this movie was bad for so many reasons and is the second new film I've seen featuring an actor phoning in a schtick that's as played as the fabric in dad's old hatband...in as many weeks, no less-- shite, I should stop breaking down and paying to see films; stick to the free screenings and the like...it's not bad as in so bad that its good, it's bad as in avoid at all costs but what can I say? Sometimes I'm like that proverbial cat who gets his comeuppance when he pays attention to his inquisitive side...

...Firstly, James goes on auto pilot and does whatever it was that he did on the sitcom King of Queens a while back...wasn't funny then, still ain't...Sandler goes in the other direction by playing a composite of every character he's played up to Click and put a cherry on top as the lady killer who regularly scores truckloads of Hooters Girls and hot blonde doctors-- even if you suspend belief and let the fact that dude's stinkin' rich in the real seep in, it just doesn't work here...I didn't buy it and neither will you...As bad as this film is, the Happy Madison Productions folk managed to get actors like Ving Rhames, Steve Buscemi and Dan Aykroyd to do the "family film" buckdance for about 90 minutes...but it doesn't stop there...cameos by other Saturday Night Live alums like Rob Schneider, David Spade and Rachel Dratch just throw gasoline on the fire of un-funny...did I already say that Jessica was lookin' hot...oh...roight...

















...where was I again, oh...I guess the SNL curse is still alive and kickin' -- with a little camera play, Spade managed to shrink the salamander even further by appearing in a Playboy Bunny get-up...the real deal breaker for yours truly came during the obligatory "straight-guy-playing-gay-goes-shopping-with-hot-chick" sequence during which noodle-rocker Dave Matthews appears as a fabulously gay boutique clerk while Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" blares through the speakers...I now understand why those pissed off cowboys used to jump up and down on their own hats when they got pissed because I felt like doing it myself about 30 minutes ago, so save your bread, buy yourself a six pack and don't even think of renting this when it comes out-- just when I thought the studios couldn't sink any lower, something like this comes around to tell me that the conveyor belt of crap is much longer than it would seem: close cover before striking, you've been warned...Even Jessica Biel's ass can't save this joint, so run away! Run far, far away if anyone around you mentions going to see it... the only things remarkable about this film is that it got made and is opening wide all over the country...oh, and it reveals that Dan Aykroyd's bald-spot is growing larger and that he'll do absolutely anything these days for a buck....et tu Ellwood?...Et tu???

...I don't watch TV and just in case you haven't seen the trailer, either...well, here it is...