Monday, May 14, 2007

This Rant is Brought to You By Apple...and the Letter "Y"




















...look into the face on that picture...can't you tell that I want to kick a little ass? Right now my MacBook has turned on me, well kinda sorta. The other day my "y" key on my Mac burnt out. Mind you, I'd been warned by my girlfriend to NEVER use a lot of water when washing it and I never have, so when I hit her up with my grousing, of course it's the first thing she asked me, along with "did you use soap"...I used very little to kill any bacterium that might be on the board as I do smoke and use my laptop all over the place so there's bound to be what Louis Pasteur called "little meanies" lurking on there...a day later, no "y" could be typed, so it was off to the Apple Store to see one of the resident "geniuses" that are on hand but the chain of events that took place while sitting at the "genius bar" makes me question the process that went into giving it such a handle, but I'm getting a little ahead of myself...

Last November I bought a new Presario PC when the cotton was high because I knew that the one I had would soon die (it did about 2 days after I hooked up the new machine which was right on time...but I was still in the running for a laptop, so, after checking with a colleague and Web Master (who told me to hold off for the newest updated version of the MacBook), I ponied up the 1700 simoleans for a new machine (and the parallels program which I thought I'd need since I was a dyed-in-the-wool PC user-- I wasn't walking around with blinders on though, son. I noticed that everyone I knew in the biz either already had or were preparing to switch over to Mac and the raves where ubiquitous and "on the cutting edge" shibboleths were (and still are) legion and all a little skewed..."I always heard accolades similar to: "it's soo user friendly...you'll never go back...'windoze' is so archaic...blah-blah-blah"...I was sold when I saw the functionality being put to use on a practical basis as pertains to what I do...so on January 17th my MacBook arrived and I went through that rite of passage that all Mac users go through, the sign-on chime...the personalization...getting hooked up with the trial .mac account...personalizing my IM photo...exploring the camera features...importing data from my other sources and consolidating files onto my newly acquired 80 Gigs of empty spread...minor cock-ups aside that come with getting used to a new way of doing what I'd been doing for years, things went swimmingly..until a few days ago, that is, when I had to go down to my local Apple Store to get the "y" key fixed...






















...now I'd already paid a visit to my local "genius" bar, the first time was early in 2006 when my 3rd generation iPod froze up and learned that there was nothing that could be done about it and I'd have to get a new one, so I soon acquiesced and did so...my second visit precipitated when the 5th generation video iPod that I bought in October started trippin' on me...I keep this baby in a case at all times so I was certain I'd be able to get this joint replaced-- NOPE, they sorted me out quickly and had me out the door before I could say "but I have my receipt right here" cut to Mother's Day 2007...it was early when I rose to call Apple.com's customer service line and after the curt CSR set up an appointment for later that day, I hung up feeling like the ugly girl at the dance (the Apple tune sure does change when you're calling about the warranty on a purchased item as opposed to when you call those bastards to make a purchase, night and day I tells ya)...so, I get to the Apple Store and await my appointment time (following the icily delivered advice of that Apple CSR, I got there a half hour early but ended up waiting even longer as one of said "geniuses" on the clock was busily trying to woo this blonde chick with his computer savvy instead of doing his job efficiently)...at least they got the "bar" part correct, luckily I didn't get that guy...I got the one next to him, a mookish-looking 20-something with Fred Flintstone perma-stubble, breath issues and who had trouble making eye contact with a brother...guess I wasn't his type...no pressure there...none at all...(press play for full effect)




..after taking my laptop into the infamous "back room" to examine why my key wasn't working (or perhaps to smoke a butt and drink a coffee or get a grease-down and shiatsu), the "genius" returned to tell me that the "t" button works fine now...I told him that it was the "y" key that was in question all along, so, instead of addressing me in the Quincy-on-the-cutting-slab tones, he popped out the "y" key right on the spot (guess you don't have to go to the back room for that after all) and told me that the sensor under the button isn't working-- no shite, Sherlock, glad to know you were listening hyuk-yuk-yuk...



...He then explained that the warranty doesn't cover wear-and-tear (all four months of it) so I'd have to buy another keyboard to be inserted onto my machine and, with labor included, the tune he sung would cost me about 300 bucks-- after they ordered the part as they were out of it, obviously one of the drawbacks to owning one of these machines)...after signing a "waiver that held fine print that would give the Magna Carta a run for it's word count money and would allow them to go into my machine and repair it, I was told that I should back up everything on there JIC they had to fuck with it's innards more than they'd already said (so that's about 20 DVDs worth of info that I've got to double up on (I back up my files regularly) but now I'm gonna do it all because if the folks at Apple have taught me anything, it's that they love to wipe everything off and start fresh (see first visit with 3rd gen iPod above)...Bollocks, I thought laptops were supposed to be designed to be hearty...you know, take a little beating as they're moved about more so than, say, a PC; it wasn't like I went snowboarding with it while on deadline or anything...guess not, yo...

...My rants get raves: After a couple of days of typing sans a "y", one really begins to understand how much the penultimate letter of the alphabet gets used on the regular when punching shit up...and if you're a writer, it's an even bigger pain in the tukkus region (I'm writing this while using the "keyboard viewer" feature/ control + v to paste in my "y's" (yeah, a BIG PAIN IN THE HIND PARTS)...So, suffice to to say, I'm going to have to buy the keyboard/ pay for the labor but not without kicking up a fuss...I don't even get flowers and chocolates...I chatted with my girlfriend and cursed Steve Jobs, AppleCo. and everything that they touch on and she reminded me of the fact that I sounded like a jilted lover...guess she's right...I'm tethered to the beast now, so I'll pony up the $crilla to get my computer running like it should and because I'm also ( rather sadistically, I do realize) attached to my MacBook. Yeah, I've gotten sucked in to the Mac universe which has a wide plateau or features that I've grown used to...that's cool, I'll chalk all of this up to another tuition payment in the school of living life BUT DON'T BE FOOLED by the odes of love, these are mass-produced machines that depreciate with time; usage and, as such, are destined to break in any combination of ways-- just before I started rolling into this rant I began looking into the Ukelele program to see if there's a workaround I can patch in in the interim...I figured it'd be at least a couple of years before I had to do something like this (joke's on me-- yukkitty-yuk)...










...I think it was PT Barnum (yeah, the circus guy) who once said "a sucker is born every minute" and I think the powers-that-are in the world of technology are well appraised of that little ruberic, so don't you DARE ever forget that Apple is a company and therefore not to be trusted, they know what side their bread gets buttered on-- the back end, in case you're wondering...I was born in the day...BUT NOT YESTERDAY!!! If you own a Mac be careful, careful, careful...wash that little motherfucker with kid gloves and no water (if that's even possible) and by all means, drop the extra 3 hunge for the parts replacement plan when you buy it because although a year seems like an extraordinarily minute stretch of time for anything new to go wrong on a spanking brand new computer, I'm now thinking otherwise-- there IS such a thing as planned obsolescence. BELIEVE THAT SHITE...

...don't be taken in by the Mac love stories that abound-- you might listen for 'em but you never really HEAR stories like the one above until you are actually STANDING in the repair line. OH! The horror, the horror, the horror -- there was an older woman with an iBook that she managed to keep in decent shape over the years. She was waiting quietly on a stool at the "genius" bar and getting the "get-with-it-Granny" attitude from the "geniuses" who couldn't be bothered to help her out, even though, as she explained to me, she came in two hours earlier off the street and was told to wait for an opening and all she was trying to do was get back into her address book that was somehow there in her computer but unaccessible...funny how selective these guys can get when it's time to dole out their "geniousness" on those of us with the pre-determined "regular level" brain-power (I got yelled at by my lady, a born-again-hard MacHead if ever there was one, for "being backhandedly sexist" when I said "you need a pair of tigg 'ol bitties to get any speed sprinkled on your service at the good old Apple "Bar" " and although I realize how obtuse my post-visit tirade sounded, in hindsight 20/20, I'll still say it is what it is-- I saw more than one example of how "hotties" get fawned over like starlets in heels around these places. "Geniuses" my arse-- that oldster never had a chance, she wasn't "hot enough" ( though she might've been easy on the eyeballs back in the days before HBO as she was hands down the oldest person in the joint), maybe I would've gotten a more consumer-friendly prognosis from a female who wasn't staring at my ass while on the clock, maybe not-- women are better at copping a look than men are, so I'd never know...all of this in mind, I still I offered the "genius" a piece of gum that he needed badly but declined (passing on little karmic peace to whomever was in the queue behind me) at least I was bright enough to do that, so if you're going to one of these stores don't forget a tin of Altoids (you'll thank me)..as for yours truly, gentle reader, it's going to be a few more weeks of control + y-ing my way around my machine (damn, that's four times in one sentence right there-- I'm already getting used to it) when I get tired of doing that, at least I've got a new PC to hook into...now that that's out of my system: control + "y", wax on, wax off...and try to stay away from baseball bats when operating your machine...shite, that was six more of 'em...

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1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aaaahhh..... jilted lover... why would an Apple store be different from a post office - there's people working there including assholes... lazy workers, fools going out of their way to help what you call "hotties" while ignoring others (I guess you don't mind if I take to calling you, say, "hunk" instead of "writer").

Hey, the net is full of stories from people pissed off by Apple service... lots of them on Apple's own support forums, just for starters... and here's a few quotes I wish I found a few days earlier:

FOR YOUR SAKE - DO NOT TAKE YOUR COMPUTER IN.

Once you do, it will be documented in your account that you have spill damage, and all warranty coverage they can possibly blame on a "spill" will NOT be covered at any point in the future, AppleCare or not!

10-04-2006, 06:19 PM
Go to an Apple reseller instead of an Apple store and see if they can help you take the sticking keys off, then you should be able to clean them and pop them back on yourself. With the Apple resellers, most of the time they won't record anything, as its usually a really simple task for them.

12:18 AM, May 15, 2007  

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